Choosing Power

I have been feeling discontent lately and as I explained it to my husband I practically yelled:

         

       “I HAVE NO POWER, I HAVE NO CHOICE”

Saying those words out loud struck me. I had been thinking them for weeks, stewing over them, feeling them, but the minute I gave them voice, the weight of them lifted.  Perhaps because it simply wasn’t true.

Of course I have power. Of course I have choice.

The simplest (and yet the hardest) is that I can choose my reactions. Instead of choosing to be a victim, instead of choosing to be pissed off, to be powerless, I can choose better.

I can choose to continue to do my best.  

I have been feeling the need for change lately, but also feeling as if I can’t quite find my bearings. There has already been a lot of change in our lives. My husband has decided to go in a new direction. I am so excited for him. It feels as if he is stepping forward in a huge way and doors have been flying open for him. I am so proud.

Maybe part of the ache inside me is watching him step forward so boldly.  I have stood in solidarity with him, but perhaps I have put too much of my own dreams aside to support his. I need to find the balance of how to support his goals, while also supporting my own.

When he first made the decision to change course he told me it was now time to really double down, work extra long hours (as if he didn’t already). But my heart sang a different tune. It wasn’t about hours and effort. There was already plenty of that between the two of us. It is more about what we really want. What do we truly desire for our family?

As a Spiritual path has opened up in my life, I have had to reevaluate some of the things I previously wanted. Parts of my life have been about credentialing, success and money. I still want them, I won’t lie and say money isn’t important or that I no longer have a need for it.  But I also crave meaning, connection and purpose.  My definition of success has been evolving. As has my understanding of what is important. Yes, my degree has meaning. Yes, my career has meaning. But without Spirit, without feeding that part of myself, it is all meaningless.

What do I really want? What am I aching for? What is gnawing at me?

Maybe I need this long winter. This cold that won’t end. The shadow of low lying clouds. The mystery of falling snow. Maybe I am not ready to fully breathe the life of spring, the renewal, the promise of rebirth.