To Be 20 Again.....

My 20’s were a rush. Actually, I was in a rush. I thought I had to squish in everything before I was old, and by old I mean 30. I watched friends get engaged and  married (while I was still single) and I worried. Other friends attended graduate school, got promotions, started businesses, bought houses and started families. While I panicked. I felt like I was standing still.

On reflection I wonder how much of my 20s I actually enjoyed. I didn’t live in the moment; I was propelling myself forward desperate for what was to come next. Desperate for some sense of credibility which I looked for in relationships, credentials, titles and the accumulation of things.

I didn’t fully enjoy the jobs I had because I was waiting for the next promotion. I didn’t fully enjoy my freedom because I was anxious for what was to happen next. And if there was ever a time of freedom (no kids, no mortgage, no bills, no responsibility – except in my head) it was my 20s.

Not that I fault my younger self, but if I could go back or send her one message from the vantage point of my mid 30s it would be:

RELAX.
BREATHE.
BE.

I am currently in a time of letting many things fall away in my life. Relationships, obligations, my ideas of who I am supposed to be and where I am supposed to be. I am letting go of my attachment to credentials, bank account balances and things I am supposed to have. And as I let if fall away I find I have a deep gratitude for where I am.

It is not perfect by any means, and yet it is.

Right here, right now, the craziness of change swirling around me and I am in a place of SURRENDER and
TRUST knowing I am HELD and SUPPORTED.  

Like riding a horse on the edge of a mountain trail in Peru. Or walking on hot coals. Or just waking in the morning and knowing I am safe and I am cared for.

For this I am grateful.