For quite a while in my life I have floated on the coattails
of healing the sexual abuse in my life. I gave myself a pat on the
back for facing such hard work and wondered why the high, the excitement and
the feeling of completion didn’t really last.
Enter this weekend. The first weekend of Shaman’s Path, a
program lovingly created by my mentor Sarah Salter Kelly. Weeks before the
class began I feel my world start to shift. I am not grounded. I can’t find my
footing and I am fighting everyone in my life. I want to escape.
I can’t seem to find space for myself. I am most angered by those closest to
me, my mirrors, my children and my husband. I also know that all of the chaos
is likely related to my commitment to the program. I know it is going to change
my life and I am both excited and terrified by the process.
At the program, I find myself struggling. In every sharing circle I see
myself mirrored to me in different ways. The story that starts to emerge for me
is making room in my life for me. Being heard. Feeling comfortable in my own
power. And, hardest of all, loving myself.
I had fooled myself into thinking that I never felt good
enough because I was feeling the shame of sexual abuse. But what happened when
that story lifted away and I was still not loving myself? This weekend I came
face to face with ME. My biggest critic, my biggest doubter. The person who
never feels good enough. The person who has written several stories about why I
can’t fully step into who I am. I am not supported enough. I am not educated
enough. I am not Native enough. I am not skinny enough. I am not healed enough.
I shouldn’t be in this room because I AM NOT ENOUGH. I am not worthy to be
taking part in this class. And yet here I am.
And it was really fucking hard to be there with myself
mirrored back to me by everyone. That is
the power of circle work. You cannot run away because your stuff keeps being
brought back to you in the story of others.
I found myself asking, if I can forgive a man who abused me,
who altered the path of my childhood why can’t I forgive me? Why am I not on my
own team? Why am I being so fucking tough on myself?
It was hard. And beautiful. And hard.
Today I am in gratitude. For everyone who got real and let
themselves be seen. For the facilitators who held us in patience and love. I know this is only the beginning. It was hard. And beautiful. And hard.
My deepest gratitude to Sarah for bringing this program to life. For more information on her programs please see her
website www.sarahsalterkelly.com
And to her co-facilitator Heather Lapp for holding space so beautifully this weekend and offering her insights. For more information see her website http://www.seeingwithinhealingcenter.com/?fb_ref=Default
