Today I Feel

Some mornings I have 8 am meetings. The challenge with these meetings is I can’t seem to get out of my house before 8 am. I have every intention, I set a plan, I pack lunches the night before and set out clothes. And then, somehow between the door of our apartment and the door of our car 15-20 minutes seems to pass by in the blink of an eye.

And when I start my car the clock stares back…

8:00 am
Or sometimes its 8:05 am or 8:15 am.

And the thing is, I hate being late. To me ‘late’ would be if I arrived on time. On time is when I arrive 15 minutes early.

Luckily I have a flexible work schedule where I can take 15 out of my day somewhere else. But that doesn’t stop my mind from hounding me. That doesn’t stop the track that runs in my head over those 15 minutes. When I show up and see all of my co-workers waiting my failure flairs up.

When I scrape my five year old off my body at the daycare as she cries and begs me to stay, and I shake her off telling her I have other things to get to. I add that interaction to the growing list of all the ways I’m failing.

When my kids tell me they hate me because we moved here. When they cry themselves to sleep at night because they miss their dad. When they don’t understand divorce. When I’m the bad guy because I left, I chose, I moved.

When I can’t tell them all of the backstory. Everything I weighed out in making these decisions. All of the tears I cried. All of my own fears. My own inadequacies.

How I look in the mirror and wonder if I can make it one more day. One more week. Sometimes, one more hour till bedtime and quiet, so we can pick ourselves up and do it all over again in the morning.

Some days our move, our life, this adventure, is filled with the deepest gratitude I have ever felt. 

And some days, all of the fear and stress and anguish hang heavy in the air. I try to affirm it away, meditate it away, reiki it away. I pull out every tool I know. Lean on every person I know. I pray and pray some more. I fight it all.

And perhaps, instead, I should stop.  Just let it be. Feel it all.

Divorce, and all that comes with it, has taught me to feel it all. Love, shame, hate, anger, rage, failure, joy.  Some days I am crushed under the weight of my own expectations. Crushed under the fears of my own inadequacies.

And some days I am emboldened to be better. To dream bigger and to want more.

But today I cry. Today I am vulnerable. Today I have been seen in my struggle. Today I feel.